untitled

ika-5 ng Marso

2007-03-07T00:14:00.000+09:00

i find this peace. the kind of calmness in which everything seems light, sounds come blurry. some sort of indifference surrounds me. yet, not the painful, frustrated indifference. i feel great despite the throbbing around my eyes. i think it's what's feeding my peace.

everything within my personal radius is ok. it has gotten better. i should thank my self-control for that.

la, la..

2006-09-03T20:19:00.000+09:00

fly me away from this world of hate. take me to a world where time has no limit. shatter their world and mine, i am letting you.
--my little book

la, la..

2006-09-03T20:07:00.000+09:00

don't tell me what or how or where. you can tell me why, but not stop nor go. leave these things to me for i am able.
--my little book

haaay...

2006-09-03T19:58:00.000+09:00

naguguluhan ako, naguguluhan ako, naguguluhan ako, naguguluhan ako..

ika-26 ng hulyo

2006-07-26T19:36:00.000+09:00

nung lunes, papunta kami ng ate ko sa commonwealth. dumaan kami sa masinag at sira ang traffic light. hindi ko alam kung aandar ba ako o hindi. ang sabi nung mamang pulis na dumaan sa harapan namin, "kanya-kanyang diskarte 'yan!"

***

naalala ko lang.. i went to confession when i was in fourth year hs. nabanggit ko lang sa pari na nagkaka-doubt ako sa faith ko. teenager thing. ang sabi sa 'kin nung pari magbago na daw ako. dahil daw sa mga kagaya ko kaya nagkakaganito ang mundo (hindi ko alam ang ibig niyang sabihin sa 'nagkakaganito). nanlalaki 'yun mga mata niya at tumataas ang boses. nakakatakot, "magbago na kayo! magbago na kayo!"
pinagdasal niya 'ko ng sampung LORD'S PRAYER, sampu ring HAIL MARY. scary.

ayoko na ulit mag-confession.

oo na

2006-03-26T23:01:00.000+09:00

nagbago na nga ako. hindi na ako ang kilala kong ako dati. hindi ko alam. naiiyak ako. bakit ba? gusto kong uminom at magpakalasing. ngayon, naiintindihan ko na ang hindi ko maintindihan nun bata ako. masarap talagang mag-inom, kahit papano, nakakalimot sa katotohanan. kahit alam mong anjan pa rin ang problema paggising mo, ayus na 'yung ilang oras na pagtakas. solve na. nakakainis. naiinis ako sa sarili ko. ang sama sama na ng ugali ko. sobra. hindi ako 'to. pramis. putang ina, ano ba 'to? nagiging emosyonal na ba 'ko? haha. lahat 'ata ng emosyong pinilit kong itago sa loob ng 17 years ko sa mundo, ngayon lumalabas. ok, 19 years. ang tanda ko na pero wala pa rin akong nagagawang makabuluhan sa mundo o sa kung sinumang tao sa paligid ko. walang kwenta ang buhay ng tangang katulad ko. lalo lang naging tanga dahil sa kanya, sa 'yo, sa inyo.

oh, well. huhupa rin 'to, alam ko. tama na. pagod na 'ko. tapusin na natin ito. ;(

wala na nga bang pag-asa?

2006-03-26T22:26:00.000+09:00

ang sabi ng tita ko, napaka-idealistic ko raw. nakakulong raw ako sa isang pag-iisip na maisasaayos pa ang sistema, ang mundo. nasa totoong mundo raw ako, at kahit mahirap at nakatatakot tanggapin, pera na raw ang nagpapaikot nito. ang mas nakatatakot at mas nakalulungkot pa sa sinabi niya, wala na raw talagang pag-asa ang pinakamamahal kong bansa. isang ebidensiya daw ang mga pinsan kong kung tutuusin, masagana at luxurious ang buhay. may balak na ring mag-migrate sa australia. natatakot daw sila para sa kinabukasan ng mga anak nila. ang kuya ko naman, dati ring sobra ang pagiging idealistic, pero ngayon, nag-iisip na ring magtrabaho sa isang MNC at magpa-destino sa ibang bansa. ang sabi nila, mag-abroad na rin ako at dito na lang mag-retire in the future. ang sabi ko naman, ayoko, hindi ko iiwanan ang Pilipinas. ang sagot naman nila, tawang nakalulungkot. nakaiinis din dahil hindi ako naniniwala sa kanila. pinanghahawakan ko pa rin ang paniniwalang may pag-asa pa rin tayo. ayokong umalis dito nang pangmatagalan. kasi nga may pag-asa pa tayo. kung lahat ng Pilipino, iisiping ang pagpunta sa ibang bansa ang kasagutan sa problema, sino pa ang maiiwan dito? lalo lamang lalabo ang kinabukasan ng bansa.

haaay, ewan.

ang tagal na nito

2006-03-16T19:45:00.000+09:00

Those were my laughter,
Now back to her.
There she goes,
Again in vertigo in the
Tang of your sweet words.
Here I am,
Trapped, once more,
In my blissful desolation.
And you, once nearly mine,
There you go, as you were,
Still carrying on without
A remnant of remembrance
Of what was ours.

digress

2006-03-15T21:51:00.000+09:00

'cha, nasa real world ka,' ang sabi mo.
oo nga, ilang ulit mo na ring sinabi 'yan sa nagbibingibingihang ako. ang nakalulungkot lang, hindi ko maiwas-iwasang maging bahagi ka rin nito.

paano ba maging tipikal?

2006-03-15T21:36:00.000+09:00

may bago na namang dumating. ngayon, tiyak nang lipas ang dati.

pasensya na kung mejo mababaw.

haha. hindi na 'ko single. i now have an official relationship.
nakakapagod din kasing makipaglokohan. siguro hindi lokohan, pero ganon din naman 'yun. hindi seryoso, may iba, hindi exclusive, etc., lokohan. nakakainis lang, iisa ang reaksyon ng mga kaibigan ko: gulat. sobra pa nga sa gulat. parang sinabi kong may sakit ako at mamamatay na sa isang buwan. sira ulo talaga. ewan ko, sabi ko nga sa sarili ko, sinusubukan ko lang maging tipikal. hindi ko sinasabing i'm beyond typical. gusto ko lang ng tipikal na relasyon. 'yun puno ng ka-cornyhan pero masaya at nakakakilig. haha. 'yun may holding hands, may i love you, and all that. wala lang. gusto ko lang talaga. para naman makadagdag, kahit kaunti, sa kasiyahan ko sa buhay. chaka sa sakit, alam ko kasing masakit 'yun, and i love pain. i really enjoy feeling it. ngayon ko nga lang na-discover sa sarili ko 'yun eh. at dahil 'yun sa kanya. yuk, ang corny. haha. wala lang.

biance, jamie, sam, eia, kimi, at kayong lahat: what is love nga ulit?

bago pa man magpatihulog sa patibong mo at ng mundo, sabihin na kung gaano ang sakit. -- mula sa akong nag-aalinlangan

wala lang

2006-03-15T21:19:00.000+09:00

hindi ko alam kung ano'ng ginagawa ko sa buhay ko. nakabalik na nga ako sa eskuwelahan ko, pero parang ganon pa rin ang nangyayari. ewan ko ba. nakakatawa na nakakainis. hindi ko alam. parang gusto ko lang magpahinga, kahit one month lang. kung meron lang nabibiling remote control na dalawa lang ang buttons: stop at continue, pipiliin ko talagang tumigil muna ang mundo, 'yun ako lang ang makagagalaw at magagawa ko ang lahat ng mga bagay na isinantabi ko sa mga nagdaang kahapon. sana nga ganoon na lang ang oras, mapapagalaw natin ayon sa sariling kahilingan. pero imposible. sana lang naman. gusto kong hilahin pabalik ang oras upang hindi sayang ang mga sinayang na sila. ang daming dapat gawin, paminsan marami rin namang oras, pero ang hirap talagang kumilos madalas. may nabibili bang gamot para kahit dalawang buwan, maging robot ako na gagawin ang mga dapat gawin no matter what? hay.. ewan. ewan. ewan. hindi ko alam. pero alam ko. alam kong alam ko.

sandali lang, hahanapin ko muna ang sarili ko.
ang ganda nga pala ng buwan sa labas. malaki, mababa, at halos orange ang kulay.
sana laging ganon.

ayoko na.

2006-01-21T20:22:00.000+09:00

Kung kelan tuyo na ang di makitang luha.
Chaka ka bumabalik. Nanunukso.
Nananadya ka ba?
Hindi pa rin ba sawa?
Hindi pa ba kagaya kong pagod na’t
Naghahabol ng hininga?
Ayoko na.

2006-01-21T19:58:00.000+09:00

Sinubukan ko, hanggang kaya, na umiwas sa isang halimaw na tiyak lalamon sa akin. Ngunit mahirap pala. Katulad ko ang isang batang tumatakbo palayo kay mamang sorbetero. Hindi maiwasang hindi lumingon pabalik upang isiping “ano kaya kung…?” Pero matigas pa rin ako. Kasintigas ko na yata ang batong ipinupukpok ng mga babae sa ulo nila. Marahil, mas matigas pa. Hinding hindi ako patatalo, hindi man lamang pahihintulutang pumatak ang isang butil ng luhang nagpipilit umalpas sa kanyang pagkakabilanggo. Bakit? Dahil nga… matigas ako. ‘Sing tigas ng batong ipinupukpok ng mga babae sa ulo nila. ‘Sing tigas ng sorbetes na patuloy na tinatakbuhan. ‘Sing tigas mo.

just the longest bath.

2006-01-21T19:55:00.000+09:00

I admit that it was something no longer new to me, I’ve been introduced to it by a not so few people. But it is a different story if it happens without your knowledge and with you far from being sober. It actually shoved me out of drunkenness; and pushed me into misery. Misery caused by shame? Maybe. But more importantly, melancholy caused by the thought of those who know me having a picture of myself as unthinking as that.

This morning was the longest bath of my life. I thought it was only in the movies that you see girls in front of the shower still with their clothes on. And this morning, I was living one of those Filipino movies. Trying to get the filth of those hands off your body by scrubbing like there’s no tomorrow. But of course, there was not a fall of tears; there was only a hurricane of emotions: shame and rage and disgust. The hurricane arrested the pain from the synthetic body scrub that was causing my skin to blush.

But it was not enough, even if I bathe till my bones are bare, the shame and rage and disgust would just not wash away. It will be an unending battle that would definitely lead to loathing and apathy towards that kind.

FUCK YOU. GO TO HELL, WHERE YOU BELONG. I SWEAR YOU ARE GOING TO DIE MISERABLE.

you'll...

2005-01-31T19:34:00.000+09:00

never know nationalism in its fullest sense until your country suffers from poverty, oppression by other nations, and loss of its citizens.

now

2005-01-31T19:29:00.000+09:00

Seven school weeks to go, and I’d be out of this place I really didn’t choose to be a part of. It was just like yesterday when a friend started this count down, and that was 36 weeks away from march. I can’t describe how I am feeling right now. It’s a mix of so many emotions: excitement, fear, pleasure, anxiety, delight, thrill, la la la la la. And yes, sloth, because when march comes, I have to face the drudgery of going back and forth to these two schools, the registrar, the ADAA, the guidance office, and the DSA. The fear comes because all these hard slog can result to nothing, the possibility of failing is right in front of my face and I don’t know how to deal with it, or if I can really deal with it. (As I’m writing this, I’m realizing how petty my problem is compared to most people; but I’ve never wanted something so much in my life. Except this polly pocket castle when I was six or seven. I’ve never felt this afraid and unnerved.) This is the first time I’ve admitted to myself that I am afraid and scared shitless. I used to not care. I was indifferent to college life and the school I would enroll and graduate in. I even thought of going to this Montessori College because it was five minutes away from my house. So why am I like this right now? Because I’ve experienced and I’ve learned, although not a lot, but enough to make me want to go back. It’s not the name or the prestige; it’s about the education, the lessons in and out of the classroom. It’s about my mom who was so delighted that I was studying there. It’s about her fulfillment of knowing that she has given me the best. It’s about her satisfaction of knowing that her daughter can. I want to get out of this hell. I know I can hold on for another seven weeks. But after that, I’m not assured of anything. And that’s what pains me. Now I’m talking about pain. Shit. But I must admit that somehow, this school year has not been boring, I’ve made real friends. Actually, many of my “first times” happened because of the people I met here. It has been a fun eight months. But it’s not enough; it’s not what all there is.

disney on ice presents princess classics

2004-12-30T22:30:00.000+09:00

lagi na lang bang "sasagipin" ng mga lalaki tayong mga babae?

fairytale

2004-11-24T20:16:00.000+09:00

we don't live in a fairytale world.
things are not what they seem to be.
this is murder, this is hatred, this is greed.
here's your father with his other family.
a pot of gold is not what you'll find
at the end of each rainbow.
reality is not gold.
reality is trials, suffering, and pain.
our cotton candy clouds of dreams are elusive.
a degree and hardwork won't assure us of them.
we have to be fearless, numb, and cunning.
sometimes, we have to kill.
love doesn't cause magic then sparks,
but the clash of chemicals then sparks.
it is all in your mind.
that's why you have control over it.
you are not cinderella with such a kind heart.
there is no mirror that would lie about snow white.
a mirror reflects our world of cynicism
and gluttony and anger.
this is not a fairytale world.
see things as real as they can be.
this is murder, this is hatred, this is greed.

apat na linggo

2004-09-20T17:38:00.000+09:00

Sem break na, apat na linggo na lang ang hihintayin kong lumipas. Tatlong buwan ko na 'tong natiis; at sa totoo lang, naging komportable na 'ko dito, mejo masaya na rin. Pero hindi ako kuntento. Nadine, hindi mo 'ko kelangang batukan. Nasa tama pa 'kong pag-iisip. Meron pa rin akong planong bumalik sa kung saan man tayo nanggaling. Gusto ko talaga. Sobrang gusto ko.
Ayoko ng ganito. Ayokong maging kagaya nila. Hindi ko alam kung ano sila, basta hindi ako kagaya nila.
Hindi 'to masama, hindi rin naman ako masama. Ganito lang talaga.
Just putting things where they should be. And my pride's not one of them.

saturday morning

2004-09-20T17:06:00.000+09:00

...my friends and I were driving along MLQ. extension when a motorcycle suddenly appeared without warning. The driver had his headlights off, he was not wearing a helmet, plus he did not even stop when my friend's car hit a parked vehicle.
My friend hit his nose hard on the side mirror; and another friend had a huge lump on his forehead.
At the hospital, the doctors were not really keen on helping my friends. And they had to ask for payment before they treated their injuries.
It was 2 a.m. and time for their nap. A group of teen-agers does not really appeal as worthy customers. Right? God. What kind of people's servants are you? Is it always gonna be for money!? Is the answer I have in my head the reality of our society?
Please, someone tell me no.

gusto kong

2004-09-01T21:38:00.000+09:00

maging mayor ng Antipolo.
I want to prove to myself and to everyone that a person can enter politics without taking even a single centavo from the public's fund (yep. literally, even a single centavo). I want to prove that someone can win without bribery, dagdag-bawas, blackmail, or any other form of cheating. I want to prove that the people have the power to eliminate corruption and everything it entails. I want to prove that there are still people whose reason for running is public service. As cheesy as it may sound, I want to serve my town; and if possible, our country. I want to contribute to the betterment of our fellow Filipinos.
I want a Philippines that is for her people.
Back to Antipolo. There are so many looming problems in our town that it makes me wonder why local government projects are focused on beautification. The still increasing number of trikes, the still stagnant street children wasting their lives away through blottles of rugby, the never ending search for drug lords (i wonder), roads that have been repaired yet remain unfriendly to vehicles; and I could rant on, and on, and on...

wala lang

2004-09-01T01:28:00.000+09:00

silang nangangarap,
silang pinagkakakitaan.
sino nga ba ang nauuto?
tayo'ng nagsusunod-sunuran?
kayo ba ang nanloloko

o tayong dapat nagtatanggol
laban sa mga nang-aapi
at kapwang mapansarili?

august 31

2004-09-01T01:20:00.000+09:00

broken glasses.
built-up hate.
bitter smile.
toxic tears.

today

2004-08-30T17:58:00.000+09:00

seven weeks to go before this term ends. finally, a three-week break from this school whose students think there are penguins in avilon zoo.
someone give me a drink.
get me out of this place.